Dramatis Personae

Thoughts of a troubled protagonist. But the show must go on!

"I want to tell him, just to stir shit up; I want him to know just to get it out there in the open. I want to say it just so that in the numbness afforded to me by tears and caffeine I can say I said it.

I know it will leave me vulnerable, and that I am meeting him on his terms. I know that I face rejection- or worse the exploitative nature of a vengeful ex. I know this, and because I do I am compelled all the more strongly to act. Accordingly, I am faced with an equal and opposite force-- the pull of my own repulsion to the thought, to those feelings, to myself.

To be vulnerable in such a way is to give control to emotion. It would mean accepting powerlessness-- this, from the girl who white-knuckles life, and would spit in fate's eye at first chance. Emotional honesty has never been my strong suit. But he wants me to be honest. But right now, I know that is the one thing I cannot do. I know that if I were to do this, he would leave again, to spare us both. It is for that reason that I cannot be honest.

He's trying to look out for my well-being, I know. He's taking care of me again like he used to, and I'm crying out-- begging him not to.

But how can I possibly say: "Leaving you was the worst thing I could have ever done. I love you. And it hurts me to think I've continually done things to lose you over this past year. It hurts me to think that you still care, and to remember how much I love you. Please, don't take care of me; don't be so gentle; don't be so kind. Don't care so well as only you can. Please, you're breaking my heart..." ?"