I miss you:

Tonight was very truly a pleasurable night. putting aside that I didn't leave my room, and spent the better part of the evening curled under an electric blanket and in physical pain, it was a calm and somewhat productive night.

That is, it was a pleasant night until I allowed myself the weakness of indulging in a whim. Touching one of my scars, I reached out for my drug of choice; and I took a sip, one small and ever so slight taste of that calm, reassuring presence.


Every time we talk it hurts. I can't explain it. I want to see you; I had thought myself over these feelings of loneliness, but I suppose I have simply become more adept at covering them, or filling the void you left in my life. I can't understand it. Why must these pointless wounds linger, and why around such a person? I can't bring myself to break away, I can't bring myself any closer either. Is this the fate I've left myself, this cruel irony to live in a life of my creation, and to live with the ghost of every love I've left broken in the wake of ambition? What a sadist, this mistress who takes all I have, what a demanding bitch- and yet I feed her more to keep myself afloat. How much more will I have to leave behind before I'm through? I can hardly breathe, my head hurts, and you're not here to comfort me. It is a very cold night.

"Feel something, feel nothing, listen closely, listen closely". My pride won't let me leave or give up. "You will find me when it's quiet, listen closely. Listen closely" I can't come back, I will make something of myself before next we meet. I can't stomach this weakness and loathe the me who would succumb to it.

"anata ga inakute sabishii desu".

Until the End of the World

I remember the first time a boy genuinely caught my eye. I couldn't look away from him. He seemed flawless and untouchable.

It took me a very long time to realize that this is not the basis of love.

I'll wash my hands and we'll start a new life: recurring script

I can't say I've achieved much since the last time I posted, but I will admit this much, I am in a better place than I was last year; this admission means a lot to me, since any improvement is positive.

The cold is settling in in the house, which must be symbolic in a way.

Jake and I are closer than before, thanks to my roommate situation clearing up. I'm glad I don't have to be nervous anymore to live in my own home. Hopefully now I will be able to get some work done. I owe it to him, and also to myself.

I am, however worried about a vuage matter which I will allude to here but have ultimately no place commenting on. It is a gathering storm in my hometown and brownouts. If there is a storm on the horizon, and i fear there might be, then I will hide until the thawing out of the nuclear winter, and clean up what remains-- what else can I do..?

On another note, I have discovered the recurring script that keeps fucking with relationships- especially mine in the past. She agrees that they will both be free, he agrees that this freedom will not come at the expense of hurting one another.
He exercises his freedom in a way that hurts her. clash of wills, roll on snare drum.

SHE:how can you do this when you know it is hurting me?
HE: how can you try to limit my freedom?
SHE: but it makes me feel awful
HE you are trying to manipulate me

she, he, she, he repeat-x; repeat-y

Break down, build up:

I'm pretty close to breaking, I'm tired and shaky and the last thing I want to do is work out. I really want that soup downstairs, but I feel that if I go for it there will be really no stopping me. Just a bite...? At least I have to put it away. five bites later I have very little confidence in my self-control.

What am I going to do about this? I feel like a child who is unsure of herself, and tries to break the rules...

Exodus: my soul migrates to happier places

The room is spinning and I am exhaling. my life is revolving and folding into itself; and I am not afraid. The necessity is to feel, think and be. But I ignore our universes call. I can turn my eyes from the stark nature of reality and find my peace like this. Nothing else matters when this is the reality I create. Furthremore, my life affirms this existance as real; I know it is not, but it insists its right to existance.

I am unsure that this life will persist, but I am satisfied with what I see as real. I hope I do not throw up tonight; I have to maintain my dignity, after all. I am extrordinarily happy with tonight. This can only get better.

Pretext of Surrender

There is a moment, but a brief split second in which (between the rise and the fall- the hairs span that comprises this delicate boarder) in which all becomes clear. If only for this split second I reel at the spectacle before me. Inside this instant lingers an unnamable void, and inside this void the idea without form. It is elusive and perfect. I can't find it or ever name it, but I know that within this sublime second there is peace.

I don't drink myself to bliss often. It is rare that I turn to the ethereal or mystic, and less frequent yet that I search out life's mysteries in the depths of a bottle; don't misunderstand me, I do not make this a habit. But after the week I've had I came back from my school activities, made myself dinner and a drink.

I don't regret a thing; making an ass out of myself in front of Andrew, the passionate (and explicitly noisy lovemaking with Jake)-- how can I regret it? I promised to live my life as the uncensored experience of youth would allow. I regret nothing, and will not blush or avert my eyes from the things I have done. To me, that is living an honorable life. Being able to own up to my actions, and the person I am becoming, these are the things which I value: strength, integrity and pride are what I strive for-- more to the point to be a person of such mettle as to be worthy of these attributes.

I am feeling life's distilled power surge through me as it saw fit, holding this all in my hands and recognizing its transience. I am grateful for these shining days, even if they come on the eve of my destruction, or the morning of my great rebirth. How can I hold a thing against a world which would see it fit to grant me such simple happiness?

There may be a great mountain on the horizon, I knew this life would be anything but easy, but I am ready for it. I am ready to accept any difficulty, because I know that now in my most humbled state I am able to see these obstacles for what they are. Meek though I may be I will carry on steadfastly and conduct my life as I see fit: unwavering in my course and without hesitation. I will make the dreams from far-gone days a reality with the strength I have, and I will do so come what may. That is the path of the truly strong.