How many nights have I sat here promising reform? How many days have I sworn reform to myself? Shayne chastises me for thinking negatively.
Yes shit happens, and yes the holidays have been an informative time for me and for all- but I'm happy they end with New Years. God I'm happy for that.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Jean is Dead.
I don't know what to say; I am unable to even eek out a sentence or two of semi-brilliance. At least I'm writing again, it's a start. I feel like something- maybe the very core of who I was has perished, maybe she peeled away in defeat. Maybe I left behind a husk of who I was and while I was away she continued on in mechanical steps to carry through the rest of last semester.
Rest in peace.
I had been petrified of the holiday season even before it began. I was afraid of the three "F"s that pervaded the cluster of days ending the year. Now believe me when I say I've seen my share of F's recently- but "fun", "Family" and "Food" were the three most terrifying I saw on the horizon.
As it turns out, I had a relatively calm few days, ironically without most relatives. I think that was the best part. I am going to have to work a little harder to make up for the setbacks and the damages endured at the hands of last semester, but I'm not thinking about that right now.
I'm looking ahead to my horizons hopefully, but without any concrete confidence in myself. I am fighting for that last bit.
I fully intend to escape from the rubble of last semester. I plan to rise from the ashes of who I was a fierce redhead with a passion for life- all beauty and rage. And I'll blaze on into the night seeking a place where I can finally rest. Either way, I plan to be better than myself previous to now.
And I want this to be the place I declare such resolution. Before the dawning of the decade I will remake myself and dedicate this resolve to the creation of a better me. God as my witness, I will learn form this, and I will emerge stronger.
Rest in peace.
I had been petrified of the holiday season even before it began. I was afraid of the three "F"s that pervaded the cluster of days ending the year. Now believe me when I say I've seen my share of F's recently- but "fun", "Family" and "Food" were the three most terrifying I saw on the horizon.
As it turns out, I had a relatively calm few days, ironically without most relatives. I think that was the best part. I am going to have to work a little harder to make up for the setbacks and the damages endured at the hands of last semester, but I'm not thinking about that right now.
I'm looking ahead to my horizons hopefully, but without any concrete confidence in myself. I am fighting for that last bit.
I fully intend to escape from the rubble of last semester. I plan to rise from the ashes of who I was a fierce redhead with a passion for life- all beauty and rage. And I'll blaze on into the night seeking a place where I can finally rest. Either way, I plan to be better than myself previous to now.
And I want this to be the place I declare such resolution. Before the dawning of the decade I will remake myself and dedicate this resolve to the creation of a better me. God as my witness, I will learn form this, and I will emerge stronger.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Calm
I'm holding on to today. It was so simple, but I had such a good day. Of course there was that one moment right at the end which inspired my most sincere 'fuck it all' sentiment. I refuse to think of that and will push it out of my mind with a sigh. Inhale calm, and allow those thoughts to detach. I will lose them as they fly away into the dark. I will think of nothing but the flame in the void. Exhale, inhale. And I am calm once more. Today was amazing.
It started when I woke up at almost noon, with a piggu on my head. Allow me to restate: one of the things that makes me happiest- probably the sole thing that can calm me down from the deepest of rages, is the impulse to love. In this case, it is the maternal spark created by a small bundle of fuzz-covered love. One look from those ebony doll eyes, and my heart melts through, and bubbles over. I woke up, dressed and took a walk. The day was perfect for it, moderate temperature and veiled skies, and for once, clean air. I hiked the train tracks to my friend Shayne's house (a mile away) while we talked about stereotypes and writing.
When we arrived, he ran inside to check on his family, giving me a second of much-needed rest. Endorphins still running, we hopped in his car and drove to the harbor. Ten minutes later (and not a second longer) we were seating ourselves at Andria's. Authentic to the last, we just missed the lunch rush (which would hit as we dined).
And there my day continued as it had begun, smiling, sublime, euphoria in calm slow waves like the rolling in to the rocks under the melody of gulls. Heaven.
After that we walked over to the arcade, where much to my chagrin, I tried my skills against a new rhythm game: Technika. Regarding rhythm games: may god always bless me that I never live without a song I can't conquer. This game gives me a good few years toward that end. I swear, divinity on a touch screen.
After that I cleaned my ass off, as a thank-you for such a stress-free morning. That took the rest of the day. And let me tell you, it was awkward. Shayne's family hates me, but my merit of my position as a university student has been forced to accept ma as a good role-model for their son/brother/etc. You get the idea. Because of this, I am placed in an uncomfortable place. Frequently I remind you all: I hate lying, and detest liars. Now see me standing there, where all social convention requires me to lie 'it's nice to see you too, Mrs. Patterson!' accompanied by a huge,fake, smile to match hers. It was not a situation I liked but it was a situation that played out through the day with each chance occurrence (repeated ad nausium with all family members except with the stepdad who genuinely smiled at me, and allowed me the chance to return the same).
But that withstanding, it was a good day. I felt like by small steps my life is getting better. I mean, after cleaning we watched naruto and ate cold stone. Simple pleasures. I pray for more of these. I prayed for a savior, and had I only known he was with me all along.
When I came home these small steps, taken by this man who is both mentor and friend. I have longed for someone like Shayne my whole life- and here though I was broken his kindness showed me yet one more good day. I am blessed for him, and for the grace of one good day.
I needed this; I pray this calm persists.
It started when I woke up at almost noon, with a piggu on my head. Allow me to restate: one of the things that makes me happiest- probably the sole thing that can calm me down from the deepest of rages, is the impulse to love. In this case, it is the maternal spark created by a small bundle of fuzz-covered love. One look from those ebony doll eyes, and my heart melts through, and bubbles over. I woke up, dressed and took a walk. The day was perfect for it, moderate temperature and veiled skies, and for once, clean air. I hiked the train tracks to my friend Shayne's house (a mile away) while we talked about stereotypes and writing.
When we arrived, he ran inside to check on his family, giving me a second of much-needed rest. Endorphins still running, we hopped in his car and drove to the harbor. Ten minutes later (and not a second longer) we were seating ourselves at Andria's. Authentic to the last, we just missed the lunch rush (which would hit as we dined).
And there my day continued as it had begun, smiling, sublime, euphoria in calm slow waves like the rolling in to the rocks under the melody of gulls. Heaven.
After that we walked over to the arcade, where much to my chagrin, I tried my skills against a new rhythm game: Technika. Regarding rhythm games: may god always bless me that I never live without a song I can't conquer. This game gives me a good few years toward that end. I swear, divinity on a touch screen.
After that I cleaned my ass off, as a thank-you for such a stress-free morning. That took the rest of the day. And let me tell you, it was awkward. Shayne's family hates me, but my merit of my position as a university student has been forced to accept ma as a good role-model for their son/brother/etc. You get the idea. Because of this, I am placed in an uncomfortable place. Frequently I remind you all: I hate lying, and detest liars. Now see me standing there, where all social convention requires me to lie 'it's nice to see you too, Mrs. Patterson!' accompanied by a huge,fake, smile to match hers. It was not a situation I liked but it was a situation that played out through the day with each chance occurrence (repeated ad nausium with all family members except with the stepdad who genuinely smiled at me, and allowed me the chance to return the same).
But that withstanding, it was a good day. I felt like by small steps my life is getting better. I mean, after cleaning we watched naruto and ate cold stone. Simple pleasures. I pray for more of these. I prayed for a savior, and had I only known he was with me all along.
When I came home these small steps, taken by this man who is both mentor and friend. I have longed for someone like Shayne my whole life- and here though I was broken his kindness showed me yet one more good day. I am blessed for him, and for the grace of one good day.
I needed this; I pray this calm persists.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Oh my god, that Kiara's shameless.
Einstein was right. I came home to escape my problems, in so doing immersing myself in an equally troublesome set of circumstances.
I never learn.
I'll break down before this is over, maybe they'll take my ashes and make some glass.
I will do it all with a smile. You think you see it, you think you understand this drama.
I dance through life, don't I? Love the elegant irony, the degradation of my self-esteem. Whore and handmaiden. That's right. It's a paradox. Messing with your pretty notions of me? Yeah, tug on the ribbon, unwrap the truth, try it. I dare you. Think you see even half?
Think again. You don't know the half of it. Watch me spend the cash I get cleaning up others shit, feeding their lardy asses. Watch me smile. See this gloss-covered venom? This is for you. Watch me hating this self 24/7 so you don't have to. Saccharine sarcasm? You don't have a clue.
I'm dying by good measures, and becoming something loathsome. I've ripped out my heart and sold it on the black market. I'm bleeding for fun and profit. I'm selling out by the second, and loving every minute of it. Ruining this lifetime for the mildly inspiring end.
At least I can make it look good.
I never learn.
I'll break down before this is over, maybe they'll take my ashes and make some glass.
I will do it all with a smile. You think you see it, you think you understand this drama.
I dance through life, don't I? Love the elegant irony, the degradation of my self-esteem. Whore and handmaiden. That's right. It's a paradox. Messing with your pretty notions of me? Yeah, tug on the ribbon, unwrap the truth, try it. I dare you. Think you see even half?
Think again. You don't know the half of it. Watch me spend the cash I get cleaning up others shit, feeding their lardy asses. Watch me smile. See this gloss-covered venom? This is for you. Watch me hating this self 24/7 so you don't have to. Saccharine sarcasm? You don't have a clue.
I'm dying by good measures, and becoming something loathsome. I've ripped out my heart and sold it on the black market. I'm bleeding for fun and profit. I'm selling out by the second, and loving every minute of it. Ruining this lifetime for the mildly inspiring end.
At least I can make it look good.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Contact High
Alright, so let me first say that if you think I am bragging in any way- or find that to be objectionable in any way, you should walk away now. Go back to whatever you were doing before coming across this. Walk away now and be all the less for it. Maybe.
So, here's how it went down.
Friday I finish the Political Science final from hell. I shit you not.
more to come.
So, here's how it went down.
Friday I finish the Political Science final from hell. I shit you not.
more to come.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The Importance of Being Earnest
If I could take an honest moment- I would say that I am lost, very very lost. I am drowning and afraid. This is all coming at a very bad time. I wonder if I am redeemable. There are some who would say I'm fooling myself- maybe I am.
But the beauty in apathy is that it leaves you with no more than a dim self awareness of your surroundings when all other signs point to utter catastrophe. Better yet, when the world is falling around me, I am only vuagely able so manage a smile-- my last benign act of charity-- for the dying stars as they fall. I love them, feel pity for them. They are breaking my heart, so I weep with them in our parting moments.
This aside, I can't weep for myself. I have no reason, no sadness for this sad, self-destructive creature. This poor witless beast has managed to raise itself hell now, hasn't it? Well, its misery will be over soon, I hope. I don't feel bad for it. Like Dante- I am tempted to prod at it sadly, or feel the sear of contempt and scorn for its pathetic form.
If I could take an honest moment, I would say all of this-- but I can't. I can't because this smile will have to be all that is left to express my emotion. I want it to be all. I want to be done, and I want to call this the end. If only I could.
But the beauty in apathy is that it leaves you with no more than a dim self awareness of your surroundings when all other signs point to utter catastrophe. Better yet, when the world is falling around me, I am only vuagely able so manage a smile-- my last benign act of charity-- for the dying stars as they fall. I love them, feel pity for them. They are breaking my heart, so I weep with them in our parting moments.
This aside, I can't weep for myself. I have no reason, no sadness for this sad, self-destructive creature. This poor witless beast has managed to raise itself hell now, hasn't it? Well, its misery will be over soon, I hope. I don't feel bad for it. Like Dante- I am tempted to prod at it sadly, or feel the sear of contempt and scorn for its pathetic form.
If I could take an honest moment, I would say all of this-- but I can't. I can't because this smile will have to be all that is left to express my emotion. I want it to be all. I want to be done, and I want to call this the end. If only I could.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)