Jean is Dead.

I don't know what to say; I am unable to even eek out a sentence or two of semi-brilliance. At least I'm writing again, it's a start. I feel like something- maybe the very core of who I was has perished, maybe she peeled away in defeat. Maybe I left behind a husk of who I was and while I was away she continued on in mechanical steps to carry through the rest of last semester.

Rest in peace.

I had been petrified of the holiday season even before it began. I was afraid of the three "F"s that pervaded the cluster of days ending the year. Now believe me when I say I've seen my share of F's recently- but "fun", "Family" and "Food" were the three most terrifying I saw on the horizon.

As it turns out, I had a relatively calm few days, ironically without most relatives. I think that was the best part. I am going to have to work a little harder to make up for the setbacks and the damages endured at the hands of last semester, but I'm not thinking about that right now.

I'm looking ahead to my horizons hopefully, but without any concrete confidence in myself. I am fighting for that last bit.

I fully intend to escape from the rubble of last semester. I plan to rise from the ashes of who I was a fierce redhead with a passion for life- all beauty and rage. And I'll blaze on into the night seeking a place where I can finally rest. Either way, I plan to be better than myself previous to now.

And I want this to be the place I declare such resolution. Before the dawning of the decade I will remake myself and dedicate this resolve to the creation of a better me. God as my witness, I will learn form this, and I will emerge stronger.