Fuck you all

I can't believe I'm here again.I'm back to fighting and clawing and scratching another just to inflict more pain than I'm receiving. I'm back to being suspicious and afraid of the ones I call friends, for fear that they're abusing my blind trust and using me for their amusement. I'm sick of hoping and trusting and wishing for the best. I'm sick of hurting and being hurt. I just want to be left alone. I hate this, and I hate myself for letting it happen.

I'm choking out emotion, I'm biting back tears and leaking my "I told you so"'s.

I musn't run away

I've wanted to post for a week, but it feels like it's been so chaotic, such a blur. Tired and a little fatigued is the norm, I guess, for now. I won't complain about that anymore.

Arise

I woke up this morning sick. Worse yet I don't have any medicine for a cold, no vitamins, and no way to stop the floor from swimming up at me every time I look away from the laptop screen.

I found the moon hiding under the cover of catastrophy

I can't get this image out of my head: It's raining heavily. Jake's humming along to an Aerosmith song. A red turn signal flashes and Jake reacts, pulling the wheel a hard right. There's no stopping now, though not through lack of trying. We're coming up on them fast. Our headlights blare in front of us, giving me a clear view of the white suburban. The tires bound over a marshy lawn- locked and unable to grip either the road or reality. Two seconds to impact; I knew this would happen.

"Oh, fuck."

Those could have been my last words.

It's funny, how until the last I remain as eloquent and introspective as ever. In this moment, I maintain that this was not the only thought running through my head, though it was the only one I could vocalize. Me and my stupid mouth.

"Oh, Fuck" indeed.

After those words of wisdom, I braced for an impact worse than I received; and I walked away from the crash that could have ended it all.

That is the long and short of my Friday night.

I wasn't going to talk about this; I wasn't going to dedicate the pixels to detail my incident- a decision which I've been wrestling with all weekend. Hours after beginning this post I am unsure still as to weather I will "publish" this string of thoughts. I might as easily snip the thread and let it drift off into the wind, a poor, loose, and lonely thought- forever wafting and alone on the breeze of whim. I might leave it like this, incomplete, and never to be seen- and I would be none the worse.

I say this, because I recognize that in my world this car crash was a monumental event; but is of absolutely no global consequence. In fact,the world should probably rather like to be rid of posts such as this.

Not two days ago, Chile was hit by a 8.8 earthquake. Though I recognize the tragedy, no part of me is touched emotionally by this news. Because of this response, and because of the proportional weight I give to the events of my own life, I'm sure most people would consider this post as narcissism of the worst kind, and furthermore chastise me a whiny, self-centered youth of little merit. I see the irony in this all, and yet as I draw breath, I post.

I do this because the truth of the matter is that Chile's disaster, reminds me that my life, in all reality could be much worse- or not at all. It reminds me that our loved ones, our livelihood-- our very being is subject to the brutish forces of nature and luck- and can be snatched from us in an instant.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I feel like my hands for once were tied in the question of my fate. Being at the brink is life affirming.

I don't know what will come, or what the consequences of these events will be- though I can guess at a few, none of them are pleasant. So I won't make a prophecy I can't foresee.

But what I will say is this: on the night Miss Moon hid under her soggy wool, mischief was had down on Earth. The fates sneered at me, and then spared my life. The tides turned, and Chile felt the ground shake beneath them.

I am lucky; and I won't forget it.