"Marie" or, "A short goodbye"

Last night I had a dream about the past, and you were in it.

You didn't see me, but I saw you, and forgot almost everything upon waking, but your face.


That I kept in perfect clarity, stored at the front of my minds eye.

When I looked back to find you, you'd gone, and the place where your memory lingered burnt a hole through my heart,

..... smoldering and empty.

I still long to see you, and hold that feeling very dear to me. I hold on to the ways you've touched me, fingertips lingering over this scar of nostalgia.

I cannot and will not forget, though you visit me less and less.

I can see you in the night, with a smile and a nod, I remember the days we spent together.

I remember the nights, dark and barely veiled mystery, teeming with life and the endless energy of youth, hearts and minds a- flight in the moonlight world.


Last night, I had a dream about the past....

Advice for the graduate-school-seeker:

The beauty of the internet:

I wouldn't normally do this, but I am absolutely in love with this:

http://foodporndaily.com/pictures/roasted-brussels-sprouts-chorizo-bread-crumbs-and-parmesan/

It's a cold, and it's a broken "I love you"

I can't believe I'm crying over this. I hide myself away, but my eyes are stinging shame. If you fall you lose. What have I done?

Things are turning contentious with the girls in the house again, but I don't know what to do about it other than smile and remain light-hearted. I am sure that pisses off at least one of them, but I have too much drama in my life to let them get to me right now.

I have lost, or may be in the process of losing someone very precious to me, more so than even I had realized, and now I'm crying out of every pore, begging myself to pick up the phone. I don't know if pride will let me, or if I can bring myself to the right words. I haven't been able to yet, and worse yet, I'm going away this weekend, so I won't be able to do anything about it until I've lost my chance.

I want these words to reach you, but I don't know if they ever will. Will you come back, when it's over, no need to say goodbye? Or have I lost my almost-lover for good?

I'm not turning away from the objective reality I've awakened to. I can't and I won't and I like this clarity of vision. I'm happy to have it return. But I am less than content with the circumstances.

Don't wake up, won't wake up, can't wake up, no don't wake me up

I don't want to be awake for reality right now, I would give anything to be relieved of it. I know how petty and irresponsible this sounds. But reality is underwhelming, and I'm left just wondering "for what"? I hate having to work as much as I do, I hate it, and the job I work, and the people I work with, mostly. One of my closest female friends who, when she's not force-feeding me sweets, gets no end of joy fucking with me and my image in the public sphere.

I've been far too long far too far away from the group of friends who are actually good for me (I'm sorry!).

That is to say nothing of Shay or Jake, though they both in their own way compound my misery recently. I am struggling very hard to just make it through most days, let alone live up to anyone's expectations. Worse yet, I've got to manage without seeming to break a sweat, but I'm under no pressure, really!

On that note- Jake's up this morning, to stand out side of Kollegian urging people to vote for him. He's putting in just enough effort to feel crushed when Kevin wins his re-election. That little misogynistic bastard is better organized, and has a flood of people working for him, not to mention willing to break the rules when us commissioners aren't looking. He's just out-played Jake, who would have overtaken him if he'd started earlier and run a more aggressive campaign. Jake could have shrugged off his defeat if he'd remained solidly un-engaged; but he started working hard, right up at the end. This places him in a bad position because he didn't do the work as he should have in the beginning and didn't put enough effort in to give him the yield he wanted, but he did work just enough so his heart would break when it didn't happen. And I'm going to have to pick up the pieces.

Also, school is all rushing at me with scary deadlines, my laptop smells like fish and I'm officially fasting for the next week, I want reality to go away and never return, but I can't hide. I can't and I wont, even if what I meet it with is less than my best, I will meet it.