If I could take an honest moment- I would say that I am lost, very very lost. I am drowning and afraid. This is all coming at a very bad time. I wonder if I am redeemable. There are some who would say I'm fooling myself- maybe I am.
But the beauty in apathy is that it leaves you with no more than a dim self awareness of your surroundings when all other signs point to utter catastrophe. Better yet, when the world is falling around me, I am only vuagely able so manage a smile-- my last benign act of charity-- for the dying stars as they fall. I love them, feel pity for them. They are breaking my heart, so I weep with them in our parting moments.
This aside, I can't weep for myself. I have no reason, no sadness for this sad, self-destructive creature. This poor witless beast has managed to raise itself hell now, hasn't it? Well, its misery will be over soon, I hope. I don't feel bad for it. Like Dante- I am tempted to prod at it sadly, or feel the sear of contempt and scorn for its pathetic form.
If I could take an honest moment, I would say all of this-- but I can't. I can't because this smile will have to be all that is left to express my emotion. I want it to be all. I want to be done, and I want to call this the end. If only I could.
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