So often the desire to radically change something about my life comes from desperation and so often that same frantic scramble to make visible change happen is stifled back down, smothered by the invisible matron Status Quo. Each time I choke on her loving advice, the medicine she feeds me to keep me happy, calm and normal.
This time my desires to change were positive. I want to reflect something special and unique about myself outward. I don't care if it sounds cliche- and I won't give so much as a second's time to the thought that my actions are wrong. They're right for me, so who else has any right to judge them given that merit?
I want to live a life by no one's standards but my own, so I can be happy and at peace. I tried living to make others happy, but that made me miserable. I gave and gave, but instead of vanishing into my own altruism, I amassed heartbreak and sorrow, carried it with me wherever I went, and labored under its bulk.
I can't like like that anymore. I've finally heard my soul's cry for release from the yolk I never fully wanted.
And I can't sleep, but I think now that is exactly what I need- to be awake and to feel the freedom and the boundless energy that comes with a life imbued with righteous selfishness.
I will walk with my head held high; and become someone I can continue to love and respect, come what may.
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