Learn to Fly:

I'm stuck in the transition somewhere between scared shitless and "what the fuck". I don't want to take any unnecessary risks; I don't want to be overly cautious. I don't know what the future holds for me, and quite frankly I don't like that.


It's a rarity that I will admit to having to "wing it". I don't know how to cope with the uncertainty.

I feel like I'm perched on the edge of something very tall- a hairs breath away from my end, and feeling the weight of possibility rush up from the ground to meet me. The world spins on a pin's head at my feet- this vertigo is ever present. And again as always I am reminded of my future, and current circumstance- all I pretend to have, and all I stand to loose. It is such a fragile thing; the balance is so delicate. I have no room for error, and choices to make all the while. I feel like I'm suffocating, but I have to keep going. I have no time to slow down- and no chance to regret the decisions I make. Over and over I repeat to myself "I will live"- this beating in my heart may be the only validation of my struggle's noble cause; and though feeble it is validation nonetheless.

I am so afraid, that at any second, with any breath- it could all fall apart. God help me, I don't know if I can continue lying to them all.

They all believe in me- well, not all of them. There is always that nasty issue of my grandparents. I want so badly to be rid of them. I know they're waiting to see me fail- I can feel it, I could on the day they kicked me out, for the second time. That's another matter. I won't think of that now.

For those who believe in me, I feel like a failure, and a fraud. I am not the witty charismatic leader they think I am. I am neither brilliant, nor self- assured. I am not lucky, I am intuitive. The only reason I've kept up this long is because something- I don;t know what- has possessed me, and insists I go forward. I'm a lie, and a smiling one at that.

Two predictions for the future, will I fly? Or will I fall? At this point, I can't tell. If my feet have left the ground- I still can't tell which way is up, maybe I won't know till it's happened and I lie crumpled on the pavement- or conversely I am free.

I can't breathe, but for now I am alive.