This is the first time I've been awake to see the dawn since last semester. I shouldn't be up so early, but I am. I think I clocked in around 3 hours of sleep, max. I don't know how to feel about this; I'm unable to sleep when I know I should be. Something in the back of my mind is keeping me up- I'll just have to trust it.
The week that is to come will be in all senses devoted to a little 'spring cleaning'. I have to scour down to the core and wash out everything impure and vile; I have to rid myself of last semester's poison and all that carries its taint. I have to surround myself with things that are positive and helpful to myself and my goals.
I don't feel resentful of the self that took me down this path- I feel pity for her, the poor thing struggling on as she did. I'm not looking for an out, or a reason to excuse her. Things are what they are, that's all.
I haven't seen Eric since we got together at the mall; we haven't spoken since the new year (not through a lack of trying on my part) which is so typical of him- of most guys really. Is it any wonder with guys like this in my life, that I'm still searching for a "man"? I understand that this is entirely unfair to Jake, who has been a real gentleman lately. But to that my stupid heart whispers obscene cynicism to me: how long will that last? It asks too much of me, and I have nothing with which to answer that question. I can't say.
I think a fast is in order here. I want to be completely clean by the time I have to leave this place- wash every trace of it from my body before I submerge in my college life once more.
I was lost, and now I have to rebuild myself as someone who can be- someone who won't crumble like the last time. I'm going to do that, start all over again from where I left off. And while I sit adrift in this sea of thought, all I can hear are the echoes of another life, a song I love so dearly, calling to me:
"It is ok to get lost, but begin to walk...Once more...once more."
No comments:
Post a Comment